If you're going to the Jersey Shore, be sure to wear a hazmat suit

There's a song that starts out with, "If you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair." I would like to see a Jersey Shore version that would have the lyric, "If you're going to the Jersey Shore, be sure to wear a hazmat suit."  If you have been hanging around this part of the internet, you are probably already familiar with MTV's new Jersey Shore reality TV series (which you can watch online from that link) since it has been covered by both MarkyMark and FB. It's about four "guidos" and four three "guidettes" living in a house for the summer in Seaside Heights, NJ on the New Jersey coast.  I feel like I should wear a hazmat suit when I watch it since I'm worried that some STD or chemicals will come through the TV.  Currently, I just hold on to my zucchini for dear life while watching it since I'm worried it will fall off since I'm not wearing a hazmat suit.

All the guidos and guidettes are total jerk offs.  They have moronic nicknames like "the situation", "j-woww" (yes that many w's), and "jolie" (because her name is Angelina).  They are all orange because they spend massive amounts of time in tanning booths to get skin cancer.  One of them actually owns a tanning booth.  Nicole (whose nickname is "Snooki" which keeps getting messed up by the other housemates as snickers, etc.) got drunk and made a total ass of herself on the first day.  She then goes though this whole drama about whether she should leave or not and decides to stay.

On the other hand Angelina did leave after a week.  She started out using garbage bags to bring her stuff into the house instead of suitcases.  Throughout the week she was there she cockblocks the guys and calls all the chicks they bring back skanks and whores.  They were skanks and whores, but how were they any different than Angelina?  She also refers to herself as the "Kim Kardashian of Staten Island".  As part of staying in the house, all of the housemates have to work for their landlord at his t-shirt shop.  Angelina has trouble with this and complains about having to work eight hours a day like everyone else and the job in general.  She has a job working a bartender once a week where she does "great things".  (Her quote.)  She then breaks up with her boyfriend (who we later found out was married) and tries to fake being sick to not work at the t-shirt shop.  After being a jack ass, the boss/landlord decides to fire her which means she can't be on the show.  "The situation" was also claiming that he and Angelina had hooked up sometime before the show was filmed.  Angelina kept denying this to the point where "the situation" said that he met Angelina's mother.  On the after show for episode 3 (you have to make sure to watch all the after shows, bonus clips, etc.), she finally admits that they hooked up.

There's Pauly (nickname is DJ Pauly D) who we find out has a pierced dick.  What more can I say than that?

There's also Mike who goes by "the situation".  He calls himself that because of his 6 pack which he says is a "situation" for women.  He tries to go after Sammi, one of the other housemates, which works for the first day or so, but she decides she's interested in Ronnie, another housemate, instead.  "The situation" can't handle that and doesn't have any game for dealing with such a conundrum.

We see Mike and Pauly pick up a lot of chicks and bring them back to the house.  Of course, there the kind of chicks you would not want to be near without a hazmat suit.  A few of the other housmates say pretty much the same thing.  They even run into a situation where they have two sets of girls and they are trying to manage the situation.  (Unlike certain people they have no experience managing multiple women.)  All of the housemates are walking petri dishes of STDs, but Mike and Pauly take it to a new level.  These two guys should call themselves "the garbage men" because that's the type of women they go after.  They would think they're superior to someone like myself who lost their virginity at 31, but they're full of crap.  Kristen and Rachel are so far superior to the parade of skanky sluts that they were with.

There's also Vinny who doesn't seem to get a lot of airtime.  If you watch the video at the last link, they talk about how he has standards which doesn't make for good TV.  Of course, he's in Seaside Heights, NJ, how high are his standards really?  We do see him get pinkeye.  Also, in the first episode he had these massive stains in the armpits of the shirt he was wearing.  This was when he was talking about what happened.  In other words why didn't anyone say that this should be refilmed and have him change his shirt?

To add to all that, watch this youtube video:


I have barely scratched the surface of all of the BS these people said and did.  You have to watch it.  I haven't even included things like when they put charcoal into a gas grill and nearly burnt down the house.  (There's also the infamous clip of Nicole getting punched out, but I waiting to talk about that for several reasons.)

If you don't believe that this show has any basis in reality, watch this youtube video:


I'm thinking next summer of taking a small trip to the Jersey Shore to see the reality of the guido/guidette.  I will be doing so wearing a hazmat suit.  Who knows what diseases I could encounter there?  While I would be avoiding sex like the plague while there, I do have to worry about STDs mutating into something airbone because of the filthy and disgusting nature of the place.  Also, I am certain the place is at the top of the list of the EPA's superfund sites.  For that matter it's probably a superduperfund site since the place is clearly so polluted.  It's not just the diseases.  It's the chemicals too.  Guidos use so much hair gel, body sprays, etc. that there is no way that place isn't filled with chemical pollution especially since it takes them 20 minutes to do their hair.  It's like the whole area is skanky not just the men and the women.

If you decide to visit the Jersey Shore next summer, I might be there at the same time.  I will be easily identified because I will be the one wearing the hazmat suit.  Stop by and say hi.